Last week was actually an emotional rollercoaster for me. However, because I am in my own Trumans show – I have to play the part where I put on that Mr Bean face when he was on that rollercoaster ride. Emotionally stunted with not a care in the world. Growing up in a family with a vibe that very few people have an optimum level of mental health, I cannot help thinking if I would turn to be one of those without too – will I be the schizophrenic, the bipolar one or the depressed one. Should I hope to be the one with dementia as I age on.
Last week I was a punching bag. Last week I was the talk of the town (topic of the lunch hour gossip session). just because I decided to speak my mind. Turns out most girls don’t like it when you lay out the problem with intent to solve it. They prefer to talk about it behind the person they have a beef with, react by displacing those anger onto other people and not solving the root of the problem.
Last week I was also ignored by my own mother as she embarked on her so called spiritual journey. Well, my sister was equally ignored. ha ha ha. We can only assume she’s still crossed that we were against her interstate trip out of concern for Covid19. Mother was not picking up our calls despite the BD trials few days in a row. We had thought it was because of poor connections. Turned out she still had time to send her pictures mingling with her newfound friends and ‘daughter’ to our youngest brother. So yeh, I guess we are those neglected daughters once again. Oh well.. she will eventually reach out once she gets into a fight with those new friends. We will still wipe her bum if she’s bedridden one day cause despite the shortcomings, we were raised to still honour our parents. Only wished that dad, being the lifetime partner and all would exhibit more effort to show his wife that he cares and not just a facebook stunt. duak kali limak jak nya duak ya.
I am already physically tired with work and managing the household. And now I have to endure all these emotional aftermaths on my side of the field. People seems to think that it is OK to behave the way they did because ‘as a student of psychology, I should be able to understand’. Thing is, I am still a student of psychology, I am still learning the theories and adapting that to real life. We don’t just get things in our first year of study!
Anyway, the discomfort is slowly passing as I ease my way into diverting my focus onto other aspects in life. I have become very good in dissociating myself from problems, removing myself from equations and be my own entity. Burning bridges – What a way to end 2020.
I am trying very hard to console myself right now. And not to regret the choices I made for 2018. But it is soooo hard my friends. I have been crying alone in my study area for the past 3 nights or so. My husband and kids are usually asleep by then. I feel 2018 is very overwhelming and yet I am expected to be calm and on top of my game. All the time.
Recently, I have to be patient with a lot of people. My husband who is gradually acquiring his Set of Attitude as a Specialist. My parents who are just, I don’t know, hmph. My brother who do not want to be helped. My work demands and related things I still struggle to understand. To them, it’s just another day. Another conversation. But to me, at the other end, I had to play along. Reserve my opinions. Suppress my anger and frustration. Because an honest comment is not everyone of them needs right now. My way of thinking and working stuff out is not the way ‘successful people’ do things. I have to buat pekak to certain condescending words as well. In the end, I yang makan hati. I yang mengalir air mata. Without them knowing it.
And it doesn’t get any better when today, I missed my son’s special occasion to receive 1st prize in his year. He came out top and I was not there to see him on stage. Because I was at work. I just hope he understands that Mummy did not have a choice. That I will try better for his next big day. I will plan my leave better.
I try to be composed and collected as a wife and mother. As a female medical doctor. As a daughter. I have been trying to shut down negative thoughts. Satan’s evil whispers. Urging me to run and leave. Not so much as jumping a bridge or killing myself. But to run. Leave the state. Like park my car at a far place, hitch a ride and just go missing. Or use my passport to cross the border ,go missing and resume a new identity. Or as simple as not arriving to work one day, only to be realized by people who care that I’m missing 8 hours later. If ada orang kisahlah.
2018 was meant to be a year of change for the better. At the moment, I still feel that there’s a lot to manage. I find I cry more this year hence I searched for Allah more this year. Asking for His Mercy, His Benevolence and His Rahmat. I have a problem in trusting people hence it is difficult to confide in someone. And it hurts a lot when you thought your husband, your supposed best friend and confidante has belief’s not consistent with yours.
Then aku nak cakap2, cerita masalah aku kat sapa? Babi?
Anyway, this is just a phase. Don’t take it seriously.
Perhaps this is PMS. A horrible PMS. Or a brain tumour affecting my emotions. InsyaAllah, I will feel and force myself to feel better in the next 24 hours. Patience my heart. Sabr.