Patience my heart

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I am trying very hard to console myself right now. And not to regret the choices I made for 2018. But it is soooo hard my friends. I have been crying alone in my study area for the past 3 nights or so. My husband and kids are usually asleep by then. I feel 2018 is very overwhelming and yet I am expected to be calm and on top of my game. All the time.

Recently, I have to be patient with a lot of people. My husband who is gradually acquiring his Set of Attitude as a Specialist. My parents who are just, I don’t know, hmph. My brother who do not want to be helped. My work demands and related things I still struggle to understand. To them, it’s just another day. Another conversation. But to me, at the other end, I had to play along. Reserve my opinions. Suppress my anger and frustration. Because an honest comment is not everyone of them needs right now. My way of thinking and working stuff out is not the way ‘successful people’ do things. I have to buat pekak to certain condescending words as well. In the end, I yang makan hati. I yang mengalir air mata. Without them knowing it.

And it doesn’t get any better when today, I missed my son’s special occasion to receive 1st prize in his year. He came out top and I was not there to see him on stage. Because I was at work. I just hope he understands that Mummy did not have a choice. That I will try better for his next big day. I will plan my leave better.

I try to be composed and collected as a wife and mother. As a female medical doctor. As a daughter. I have been trying to shut down negative thoughts. Satan’s evil whispers. Urging me to run and leave. Not so much as jumping a bridge or killing myself. But to run. Leave the state. Like park my car at a far place, hitch a ride and just go missing. Or use my passport to cross the border ,go missing and resume a new identity. Or as simple as not arriving to work one day, only to be realized by people who care that I’m missing 8 hours later. If ada orang kisahlah. 

2018 was meant to be a year of change for the better. At the moment, I still feel that there’s a lot to manage. I find I cry more this year hence I searched for Allah more this year. Asking for His Mercy, His Benevolence and His Rahmat.  I have a problem in trusting people hence it is difficult to confide in someone. And it hurts a lot when you thought your husband, your supposed best friend and confidante has belief’s not consistent with yours.

Then aku nak cakap2, cerita masalah aku kat sapa? Babi?

 

Anyway, this is just a phase. Don’t take it seriously.

Perhaps this is PMS. A horrible PMS. Or a brain tumour affecting my emotions. InsyaAllah, I will feel and force myself to feel better in the next 24 hours. Patience my heart. Sabr. 

 

The pursuit of love in between him and him

My teaching session finished an hour earlier on Friday. So I made my way to Tesco to withdraw some money at the ATM machine and get my fix of carrot juice. I wanted my juice to go but the lady at the cashier forgot and not wanting to trouble her further, I just took the glass to the nearest table and took a sip.

Then this song belted out in the background of the already noisy food court. I sang along softly to my favourite part, “what are you waiting for???” and almost immediately I couldn’t help reminiscing on my past. The time when I was a fish in the sea (again) after a breakup with my asshole 1st boyfriend.  Yes, he broke up with me over Yahoo Messenger on the weekend just before my exams. Bangang rite. I think I resorted to controlled self destructive behaviour and made a bonfire with his paraphernalia.

A few months later, I had a string of dates with frogs to choose from. Hoping that one will become my prince. There were a few ” I will call you later” sorta dates. Sometimes from myself, others from them men. You just get that vibe of a relationship not happening from that one date. Things that put me off? Likely he had an opinion for almost everything on the planet, force me to talk about myself too much, too lackadaisical, pry too much on my previous relationship, too Islamic (I know, sorry).

Then there were those who made the initial cut. Only to discover later that he hates your housemates or your best girlfriends. Ada ke cakap “gelak kuat, macam laki, I tak suka”. Wahhhh.. goodbye dear. No future dates. No one gets to say bad things about my friends.

Then there were experiments. Well, just one. We were both from very different backgrounds. He was a non muslim to start with. In a way it was one of those relationships where you’re just not sure where it would be heading. We didn’t have a name for our relationship. If people ask whats with him having lunch with me – he will reply “pengyao (friend)“. Yet he treats me like I’m special. Vice versa. He would call me up at 0500AM as I get ready to go to work to take the morning bloods of sick babies – just to say Hi. We would have dinner together almost everyday even when we’re oncall, where we would steal time just to have 5 minutes together. It was nice while it lasted. Then after he went back home to Miri to visit his parents – the romance just ended. Like that. No proper goodbyes. It just ended. I think we were both puzzled as to why it ended. Wait, I think I know why. I found out he was seeing another girl there. Someone of the same background. Takpela.. I faham. I redha. I think the soundtrack of my life at the time was Black Eyed Peas song “Meet me halfway” for this particular chapter. Frust jugak but terkawal. We can still work together as housemans.

In less than a year, I met my husband during my surgical posting. He was far from romantic but he was responsible. And intelligent. He was willing to replace my partner in the operating theatre who was on Emergency Leave (EL) that day. Coincidentally we were scheduled to be in the OT of a very boisterous and demanding surgeon that no one liked. I called up the ward asking for a volunteer and was prepared to be ‘bam-booed’ the whole day until this tall, gallant, fearless, chivalrous guy by the name of Syafiq came. He was technically towering over the shorter surgeon. The mood in that OT somehow changed – I was suddenly the reliable houseman who could hold the camera very still due to my low pusat graviti and my husband was very alert and quick to obey instructions.

We didn’t start dating until I left my surgical posting though. And the rest is history. Our love story was not dramatic enough for Ellie Gouldings song. Nor is Michael Bubles Home cause that reminds me of Italy (another wonderful chapter of my life). OMG.. we don’t have a soundtrack for this chapter of my life. I need to find one.

 

The Birthday & Wedding Anniversaire Weekend

My nephew’s birthday bash was held at Sama Sama Hotel on the 30th December. It was a hi-tea get together. One of the best spreads I have to say. Too indulged in eating that I didn’t get to snap any photos of the food. macam biasa.. it is a mix of western and eastern dishes.

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My sister arranged the perfect birthday celebration for her son – we had a clown coming to our table giving out balloons, them staff singing a birthday song while bringing his cake and so on. I  would be happy if I was this boy. Plus you get presents from everyone.

“ADIL.. please listen to your mother and love her with all your heart”

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The Weekend Hi-Tea buffet is from 1200 Noon till 4PM.

Adults rate  RM 65. Children rate RM 45 . Unfortunately there is no senior citizen discount.

After the partay – my own party of 4 headed to Seremban for the anniversaire getaway. Brutally honestly speaking – I was not looking forward to go. I was not in a mood to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I know, it’s evil. I even hid a post that Mr Husband tagged me on Facebook from my timeline. That’s how not in the mood I was.

WHY MINCI WHY?

You may ask. Maybe it’s because I was physically tired (and in pain – nipple sore stuff). Emotionally drained. Lonely. No animated gossip. No one to have a proper conversation. Mr Husband busy, busy, busy with studies and locum (kesian kt owner katanya) Ha ha ha. Sometimes as a new mother, you just need an hour out of the day to do your own thing. Like doing proper exercise, sip coffee slowly, get properly dressed and stuff. Or even draft a blog post. Or paling cikai.. an IG story. Thats is one cause I think – did not get that one hour stuff as much as I’d envisioned it to be. Max is like 45 mins. Huhu.

Or maybe it’s because I want to celebrate it with just him. The Husband. Without the kids in the picture. I mean, we can bring the kids along to the hotel but you know, at least a Couple WefIe by the pool. Or a little muffin cake to share between us two. Something to remind ourselves that we were once head over heels over each other? That there was once an US before the kids come along. In retrospective, maybe I should have made the move tapi ntahlah.. perhaps on our anniversary I was waiting for Chivalry and Gallant to drop by with Romantic. ohhh.. I forgot. it’s because I’m the sweet one in this relationship. Which is why it did not happen. muekekeke.

Takpelah.. we will try again this year (2018) for our 8th anniversary. Perhaps by this time I makin sexy. Aummm..  oh no sister.. spacing sister..spacing..

Back to Seremban, we checked into this budget hotel, SUTERA HOTEL, that has a swimming pool with no dress code. Thus why its quite a favourite amongst us Malaysians yang suka main redah je. it was a 3D2N stay.

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Room was OK. breakfast buffet was adequate with the money we paid for , cuma the table arrangements made the restaurant a bit cramped. My obese tummy berlaga with the chairs. Like duh.. help.. I need to break free.

Location wise – AEON is nearby. A 2 minutes walk from the hotel – in case you need to find Pizza hut, KFC or McDonalds.

We did not get to eat the Nasi Arab. Baby Ninie is unable to stand long journey hours. Long would be more than 2.5 hours at a time. Wanting milk is fine. its when she poos it becomes a problem because some places do not have diaper changing facilities. Takkan nak tukar kat meja makan?? I don’t mind but what if my act was recorded and it went viral? DIE man DIe. So Mr Husband does the changing in places like these cause he can single handedly tonggeng the girl in the sink to wash the bum.

Babycall was not that bad. it was manageable but I’d rather do it at home. At least until she’s 4 to 5 months old?

yep, that’s about it. till the next post.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[happy kah… ]

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The test of evil whispers

“if you wish hard enough, your dream might just come true”

I have been struggling to complete a task lately. I have been asking for help but being ‘lumpy’ and ‘blur’ sometimes – it’s a bit of challenge trying to understand a new knowledge. So it’s a matter of re-reading stuff, discussing points with other people and loads of googling. I was on the verge of virtually dissipating into thin air plus the fact that I had another major thing going on does not help.

Anyway I was tested today. By God. yeh….. 

If I succumb to the evil whispers, I will end my shift way early – reach home earlier and cook up a storm in the kitchen for dinner.

If I remain honest, I’d probably reach home late and eat bread for dinner and well.. I still chose the latter.

Remarkably, a solution appeared in front of my very eyes. The answer to my question! In the form of another trusted colleague showing me how and what things need to be done. That was better than my hours of mindless, disorientated reading and I am forever grateful. Alhamdulilah. 

Did I still reach home late? Yes. It was I guess part of the deal. So no cooking for dinner  (I dah penat) and my son today learnt how to eat sushi for the first time. He loved it!

Counting my blessings – my little sunshine

This is just me counting my blessings. Documenting the little miracles and rezeki in my life.

I had a terrible shift last night. Macam biasalah...jonah its like once I step into the Casualty Unit for my shift – patients just decide to flock in and needs resuscitation. Despite a hectic night, I managed to have 58 accumulated minutes of rest in between cases. I was still on my feet when the next shift rolled in. I couldn’t think straight once it’s time to punch out.

I fetched my son from his grandmothers house after work. Once we reached home, I switched on the air conditioner in the living room. I told Ee that Mummy needs to rest and take a nap (had my pillow and blanket laid out on the floor) and that he is free to watch whatever cartoon he wants. I also reminded him to wake me up if he wants anything like switching on bathroom lights or anything.

Then I dozed off and when I woke up in between my stages of sleep – I saw my little angel engrossed peacefully in his little world. He was doing his kindergarten homework independently with his Ultraman Cosmos series on the telly. On a considerable volume – not too loud but just enough for him to hear the show. I was also amused that he had his yogurt drink beside him which he took out himself from the fridge. It was such a beautiful sight to see him there – minding his own work and managing himself accordingly.

When he saw me waking up – he narrated to me about him homework and the number of stars  he got for his work. He explained about the monsters and Ultraman forces. he offered me his drink to which I politely declined. Because I was practically still in mamai mode. For a minute I was that irresponsible, oh-my-god sorta mom because immediately after his ‘brief report’ I continued to doze off. Only to be awakened by a phone call from my husband asking the colour of our ‘tong gas’ because it has run out of gas.

But yes, my son is my blessing today. He could have been screaming his head off or making my nap impossible but he didn’t. Alhamdulilah…