Emotional rollercoaster

Last week was actually an emotional rollercoaster for me. However, because I am in my own Trumans show – I have to play the part where I put on that Mr Bean face when he was on that rollercoaster ride. Emotionally stunted with not a care in the world. Growing up in a family with a vibe that very few people have an optimum level of mental health, I cannot help thinking if I would turn to be one of those without too – will I be the schizophrenic, the bipolar one or the depressed one. Should I hope to be the one with dementia as I age on.

PATIENCE

Being Patient] 102 Quotes To read when loosing patience. | Following  Fulfillment
Source : Google Image

Last week I was a punching bag. Last week I was the talk of the town (topic of the lunch hour gossip session). just because I decided to speak my mind. Turns out most girls don’t like it when you lay out the problem with intent to solve it. They prefer to talk about it behind the person they have a beef with, react by displacing those anger onto other people and not solving the root of the problem.

Last week I was also ignored by my own mother as she embarked on her so called spiritual journey. Well, my sister was equally ignored. ha ha ha. We can only assume she’s still crossed that we were against her interstate trip out of concern for Covid19. Mother was not picking up our calls despite the BD trials few days in a row. We had thought it was because of poor connections. Turned out she still had time to send her pictures mingling with her newfound friends and ‘daughter’ to our youngest brother. So yeh, I guess we are those neglected daughters once again. Oh well.. she will eventually reach out once she gets into a fight with those new friends. We will still wipe her bum if she’s bedridden one day cause despite the shortcomings, we were raised to still honour our parents. Only wished that dad, being the lifetime partner and all would exhibit more effort to show his wife that he cares and not just a facebook stunt. duak kali limak jak nya duak ya.

I am already physically tired with work and managing the household. And now I have to endure all these emotional aftermaths on my side of the field. People seems to think that it is OK to behave the way they did because ‘as a student of psychology, I should be able to understand’. Thing is, I am still a student of psychology, I am still learning the theories and adapting that to real life. We don’t just get things in our first year of study!

Anyway, the discomfort is slowly passing as I ease my way into diverting my focus onto other aspects in life. I have become very good in dissociating myself from problems, removing myself from equations and be my own entity. Burning bridges – What a way to end 2020.

A bleeding brain

My father in law is currently in the intensive care unit for a hypertensive bleed. He presented with repetitive vomiting a day before with minimal body weakness. The alarms starting ringing when he was difficult to rouse for Zuhur prayers. My MIL couldn’t seem to wake him up. He would open his eyes and appear to want to make some movement but unable to do so.

My mother in law then proceeded to call his sons, the teachers and the doctor (my husband). His alertness level was assessed by my husband but found to be at a poor score. They called for an ambulance via MECC.

FIL was brought to red zone and intubated immediately to secure his airway. Apart from the usual cocktail to sedate and paralyze a patient, he did not require any blood pressure lowering agents nor an inotrope. He was pushed for a CT brain and a bleed was detected.

Husband read the CT scan film himself based on what he learned as a medical officer in ED before and gave us his reporting on our family group. ( He is now a public health specialist) It was good to know that there were no cell infarcts and that the basal cisterns were open . Still, my FIL was referred to the neurosurgical team in Seremban for expert opinion. Deep down in our hearts we know it will be a conservative management.

24 hours later he was weaned off his sedation. My FIL was slowly waking up and today he was good enough to be extubated. We don’t know when he will be allowed home though. It was a wake up call for all of us.

Not to take our parents for granted.

Sometimes we still see them in the lens of being their children. That we are kids. Young. We think they will be around longer and will only die when they are older. We forget that over 60 is already old and the matters of Life and Death is in Allah’s hand regardless of your age.

Secondly, I was amazed at how calm my MIL was in this situation. She was still able to giggle as she narrates how she and the grandchildren tried to wake him up from his sleep the day he was brought to hospital. Her coping mechanisms are admirable.

Thirdly, I saw how his small community came to his side. His Geng Surau. Without having to ask, they have already initiated upon themselves to solat hajat for my FIL. I don’t think it would be the same in my neighbourhood if something were to happen to my own family. Maybe it is time to be nicer to the neighbours and participate in activities of Geng Surau in my area. Biar orang kenal sikit sapa duduk rumah yang ada pokok mangga gondol tu.

Above all I learned that I sayang my FIL. In fact, I couldn’t wish for anybody else to be both my parents in law. With so many things you read on social media, I cannot help feeling syukur for what has been given to me. They have never interfered in how we choose to run our family. Their house is always open to us children and grandchildren. They give sound advice indirectly. They do not leech on their children’s money and are financially able on themselves. The list goes on.

I should also mention that I am grateful that my husband is mine. He is the best advocate anyone could ever wish for especially at times when you cannot speak for yourself. He is so thick skinned, confident, firm , eloquent with thankfully superb clinical acumen at the same time.

Yerlah kan.. ala2 cocky tapi bangang mmg org kata mengundang nista lah jawabnya.. kang tak pepasal physician kata family fussy.

Leftover food and the Wife

When the wife is miserable, there is a fat chance that the source of her agony comes from the husband. Vice versa. Unless he doesn’t love her anymore thus stress is more work related.

This is the cause of my misery today. Leftover nasi penyet pecel lele. This situation could have been avoided IF the husband has been frank in saying “ I don’t want any lunch today BECAUSE I got jamuan back to back at the office”. Instead, he also placed an order and this thing has been in the fridge for two days since Friday.

Knowing him, he doesn’t eat old food. He only eats fresh food and yet when he prepares a meal, he COOKS LIKE HE IS FEEDING THE HOMELESS IN THE WHOLE CITY! It is not funny. Cause I don’t like to waste food and regardless how self-sacrificing I become by eating the leftovers from my kids and from his overzealous cooking, I still need to control my calories.

Even after I finish this meal, I have 3 CONTAINERS of BIHUN in the fridge which are leftovers from yesterdays BREAKFAST! God knows what he was thinking when he decided to cook ONE BIG PACKET OF BIHUN !!! Perhaps he was thinking it’ll be a good idea to eat it for lunch AND DINNER but turns out he only had it for lunch. His food portion estimates are soooooooo off. So inaccurate. And yet, for today HE ENTHUSIASTICALLY FRIED CEKODOK IN THE PORTION OF HALF PACKET OF 1 KG FLOUR. CAN YOU SENSE MY AGITATION HERE? Thankfully, that cekodok dah habis or I would have thrown it to the monkeys at the nearby graveyard.

So yes, I am seriously considering getting my hands into composting leftover food. At least, it will make me feel better knowing that the food will not go to waste and recycled into some sort of nourishing source for the soil and plants.

I saw a friend on Facebook posting on the Bokashi ? method. Then, there are other companies also promoting their form of composting for domestic wastes. Prices were steep compared to the type of compost in they sell on Shopee. I am confused. I need to read more about composting my food safely and use the ‘ends’ of it for my mini garden.

Do you have any experience of doing your own compost? Share with me your experience in the comments.

A Dream Affair

I rarely dream. Maybe because I rarely get into a deep sleep, or so I thought. Or my mind has nothing new, interesting or profound to process on that particular day. Perhaps I should read up on the mechanisms of dreams and anything along those lines to understand it better.

A few nights ago, I had one of those precious moments of dreaming in my sleep which left a flutter in my heart. It has been a while since I felt this jittery. The kind of feeling where the world feels so nice and that you are walking on the clouds sort of thing. The best thing is the memory of the dream did not fade away and I could still remember a huge chunk of it even after I woke up. In fact, the impact was so strong that I long to meet this notable character again in my sleep.

In dreamland, I am single. The vibe just seems like it in there and I was assuming the role as a university student. I live alone in a rented dilapidated room which I managed to redecorate under a budget to make it look like a really nice place to stay with my fairy lights, feathery rugs , comfortable bed sheets and cute home living accessories. I was apparently a loner with no close friends until this man, also from uni stepped into my life.

He was tall and his face had very pointy features. He had keen eyes, a sharp nose, a small band of thin moustache over his lips and stood out handsomely with a nice build. He was not hugely muscular but he had that athletic aura and shape underneath his long sleeve shirt. The chest was full if you get what I mean. His hair was short but not army-like. It was at a nice length just above his nape of the neck. He had fair skin, a warm smile, a deep voice and strong looking hands with the veins sticking out. And if anybody is curious, no, he doesn’t look like Yeo Jingoo in Hotel de Luna. It is not the after-effect of the drama.

I couldn’t remember our exact conversation but it led to him saying, ” I really like you, I want to know you better”and spend all my hours with you. Time passed in dreamland and suddenly we were very close. Something like Teman Tapi Mesra (TTM). He helped me fix stuff in my room, painted the walls etc. From what I gather, we were never s3xually involved, not even exchanging hugs or him stealing a kiss but he was there most of the time. And I felt safe with him. He accompanied me while I study, he got me food and cute stuff, he walks me back to my place, he listens to my woes but what got me fascinated with him in dreamland was the way he looked at me. I felt admired, loved (sayang) and cared for.

Of course in reality I get all these attention and comfort from my dear husband too. Minus the jitters because you have gotten so accustomed to each other. It was only later when I woke up I felt a bit guilty for feeling so overjoyed with how my Dream Man treated me. I was his queen. It almost felt like I was having an affair with a 3rd party.

I tried to find him again in my dream having forced myself going back to sleep again but he didn’t resurfaced. Maybe in another dream episode one day.

Patience my heart

img_20181116_215747_9742188387213555705866.jpg

I am trying very hard to console myself right now. And not to regret the choices I made for 2018. But it is soooo hard my friends. I have been crying alone in my study area for the past 3 nights or so. My husband and kids are usually asleep by then. I feel 2018 is very overwhelming and yet I am expected to be calm and on top of my game. All the time.

Recently, I have to be patient with a lot of people. My husband who is gradually acquiring his Set of Attitude as a Specialist. My parents who are just, I don’t know, hmph. My brother who do not want to be helped. My work demands and related things I still struggle to understand. To them, it’s just another day. Another conversation. But to me, at the other end, I had to play along. Reserve my opinions. Suppress my anger and frustration. Because an honest comment is not everyone of them needs right now. My way of thinking and working stuff out is not the way ‘successful people’ do things. I have to buat pekak to certain condescending words as well. In the end, I yang makan hati. I yang mengalir air mata. Without them knowing it.

And it doesn’t get any better when today, I missed my son’s special occasion to receive 1st prize in his year. He came out top and I was not there to see him on stage. Because I was at work. I just hope he understands that Mummy did not have a choice. That I will try better for his next big day. I will plan my leave better.

I try to be composed and collected as a wife and mother. As a female medical doctor. As a daughter. I have been trying to shut down negative thoughts. Satan’s evil whispers. Urging me to run and leave. Not so much as jumping a bridge or killing myself. But to run. Leave the state. Like park my car at a far place, hitch a ride and just go missing. Or use my passport to cross the border ,go missing and resume a new identity. Or as simple as not arriving to work one day, only to be realized by people who care that I’m missing 8 hours later. If ada orang kisahlah. 

2018 was meant to be a year of change for the better. At the moment, I still feel that there’s a lot to manage. I find I cry more this year hence I searched for Allah more this year. Asking for His Mercy, His Benevolence and His Rahmat.  I have a problem in trusting people hence it is difficult to confide in someone. And it hurts a lot when you thought your husband, your supposed best friend and confidante has belief’s not consistent with yours.

Then aku nak cakap2, cerita masalah aku kat sapa? Babi?

 

Anyway, this is just a phase. Don’t take it seriously.

Perhaps this is PMS. A horrible PMS. Or a brain tumour affecting my emotions. InsyaAllah, I will feel and force myself to feel better in the next 24 hours. Patience my heart. Sabr.