Awkward visit

My dad came over last weekend. Alone. Usually, it will be him and my mom. However now that mom has passed away, it is just him. The trip is an excuse for him to drive his car on the highway. Honestly, it was an awkward visit. I’ve never actually talked to my dad about stuff. You know that little stuff about school, movies, actors, anything.. I also rarely seek his advice for anything. Unlike some dads who are naturals at passing on wisdom or relating life stories. Come to think of it, I don’t do that with my mom either but I still love listening to her gossip. I am a wonderful listener like that.

Back then, when the parents come over, mom would usually bring over a bag of goodies. They can be leftover cakes or random vegetables. Or anything that she manages to buy from the shops or her little trips. Then, we’d be talking about activities and whatnot. She will talk and play with the kids. Now is that deafening silence as I don’t really know what to talk about. Even if I do, I don’t really want to talk about it. Thankfully, there are grandkids. At least, it’ll buffer the white noise.

I realize that the glue to the family is mom. Without her, everyone is living as their own. Minding their own problems and matters. Perhaps the visit would be less awkward if my sister came. She is the next glue to this family.

Adulting

The more people you meet

The more stories you hear

The more books you read

The more drama you see

The more you understand WHY some people make decisions you thought were horrendous, ridiculous, selfish and completely absurd in the first place. The motives behind a murder, an organized crime, an obsession, an affair and other seemingly anti-social behaviour. Human behaviour is very complex. Never a clear black and white. Always a grey area.

You learn more about yourself and the values that you hold on to. You will begin to seek those who think on the same wavelength. You begin to distance yourself from people who don’t make you happy anymore and indulge in the pleasures lounging in your own mind. The world in the mind is better. Closing the eyes is better. Being numb is better. Maybe that is how neuroses start. Leading to psychosis. To hallucinations. To being bonkers and if uncontrolled … escalating to a person becoming a sinner.

The trigger to that sunken yet manic feeling can happen anytime. To anyone. I witnessed that ‘snap’ moment of insanity once before, at 17 years old. In my mother. My late mother. I would have thought that if problems were to happen in a marriage, it would be done by the decade and any marriage that supersedes that time frame is true love. I was wrong. Melinda and Bill Gates could testify to that. It seems that marriage could still be on the rocks and in ruins after 10 years. Bercerai di usia senja, I was told.

People do fall out of love.

What happened at 17 years old?

Mom packed her things in a suitcase, rode out in her car and was ready to leave the family. A lot of angry conversations took place between her and dad at the time via telephone. I was the middle person. Not the negotiator but the person who received the angry statements from both ends. Mom came back after a few hours though and said she just wanted to give dad a scare. Back then, I thought she was selfish to do what she did but now, I really really understand why. If I had known better back then, I would have told her to

just go. be happy. we, your kids will still love you. keep in touch wherever you are and whoever you’re with mom. just go and be happy.

Emotional rollercoaster

Last week was actually an emotional rollercoaster for me. However, because I am in my own Trumans show – I have to play the part where I put on that Mr Bean face when he was on that rollercoaster ride. Emotionally stunted with not a care in the world. Growing up in a family with a vibe that very few people have an optimum level of mental health, I cannot help thinking if I would turn to be one of those without too – will I be the schizophrenic, the bipolar one or the depressed one. Should I hope to be the one with dementia as I age on.

PATIENCE

Being Patient] 102 Quotes To read when loosing patience. | Following  Fulfillment
Source : Google Image

Last week I was a punching bag. Last week I was the talk of the town (topic of the lunch hour gossip session). just because I decided to speak my mind. Turns out most girls don’t like it when you lay out the problem with intent to solve it. They prefer to talk about it behind the person they have a beef with, react by displacing those anger onto other people and not solving the root of the problem.

Last week I was also ignored by my own mother as she embarked on her so called spiritual journey. Well, my sister was equally ignored. ha ha ha. We can only assume she’s still crossed that we were against her interstate trip out of concern for Covid19. Mother was not picking up our calls despite the BD trials few days in a row. We had thought it was because of poor connections. Turned out she still had time to send her pictures mingling with her newfound friends and ‘daughter’ to our youngest brother. So yeh, I guess we are those neglected daughters once again. Oh well.. she will eventually reach out once she gets into a fight with those new friends. We will still wipe her bum if she’s bedridden one day cause despite the shortcomings, we were raised to still honour our parents. Only wished that dad, being the lifetime partner and all would exhibit more effort to show his wife that he cares and not just a facebook stunt. duak kali limak jak nya duak ya.

I am already physically tired with work and managing the household. And now I have to endure all these emotional aftermaths on my side of the field. People seems to think that it is OK to behave the way they did because ‘as a student of psychology, I should be able to understand’. Thing is, I am still a student of psychology, I am still learning the theories and adapting that to real life. We don’t just get things in our first year of study!

Anyway, the discomfort is slowly passing as I ease my way into diverting my focus onto other aspects in life. I have become very good in dissociating myself from problems, removing myself from equations and be my own entity. Burning bridges – What a way to end 2020.

A bleeding brain

My father in law is currently in the intensive care unit for a hypertensive bleed. He presented with repetitive vomiting a day before with minimal body weakness. The alarms starting ringing when he was difficult to rouse for Zuhur prayers. My MIL couldn’t seem to wake him up. He would open his eyes and appear to want to make some movement but unable to do so.

My mother in law then proceeded to call his sons, the teachers and the doctor (my husband). His alertness level was assessed by my husband but found to be at a poor score. They called for an ambulance via MECC.

FIL was brought to red zone and intubated immediately to secure his airway. Apart from the usual cocktail to sedate and paralyze a patient, he did not require any blood pressure lowering agents nor an inotrope. He was pushed for a CT brain and a bleed was detected.

Husband read the CT scan film himself based on what he learned as a medical officer in ED before and gave us his reporting on our family group. ( He is now a public health specialist) It was good to know that there were no cell infarcts and that the basal cisterns were open . Still, my FIL was referred to the neurosurgical team in Seremban for expert opinion. Deep down in our hearts we know it will be a conservative management.

24 hours later he was weaned off his sedation. My FIL was slowly waking up and today he was good enough to be extubated. We don’t know when he will be allowed home though. It was a wake up call for all of us.

Not to take our parents for granted.

Sometimes we still see them in the lens of being their children. That we are kids. Young. We think they will be around longer and will only die when they are older. We forget that over 60 is already old and the matters of Life and Death is in Allah’s hand regardless of your age.

Secondly, I was amazed at how calm my MIL was in this situation. She was still able to giggle as she narrates how she and the grandchildren tried to wake him up from his sleep the day he was brought to hospital. Her coping mechanisms are admirable.

Thirdly, I saw how his small community came to his side. His Geng Surau. Without having to ask, they have already initiated upon themselves to solat hajat for my FIL. I don’t think it would be the same in my neighbourhood if something were to happen to my own family. Maybe it is time to be nicer to the neighbours and participate in activities of Geng Surau in my area. Biar orang kenal sikit sapa duduk rumah yang ada pokok mangga gondol tu.

Above all I learned that I sayang my FIL. In fact, I couldn’t wish for anybody else to be both my parents in law. With so many things you read on social media, I cannot help feeling syukur for what has been given to me. They have never interfered in how we choose to run our family. Their house is always open to us children and grandchildren. They give sound advice indirectly. They do not leech on their children’s money and are financially able on themselves. The list goes on.

I should also mention that I am grateful that my husband is mine. He is the best advocate anyone could ever wish for especially at times when you cannot speak for yourself. He is so thick skinned, confident, firm , eloquent with thankfully superb clinical acumen at the same time.

Yerlah kan.. ala2 cocky tapi bangang mmg org kata mengundang nista lah jawabnya.. kang tak pepasal physician kata family fussy.

Leftover food and the Wife

When the wife is miserable, there is a fat chance that the source of her agony comes from the husband. Vice versa. Unless he doesn’t love her anymore thus stress is more work related.

This is the cause of my misery today. Leftover nasi penyet pecel lele. This situation could have been avoided IF the husband has been frank in saying “ I don’t want any lunch today BECAUSE I got jamuan back to back at the office”. Instead, he also placed an order and this thing has been in the fridge for two days since Friday.

Knowing him, he doesn’t eat old food. He only eats fresh food and yet when he prepares a meal, he COOKS LIKE HE IS FEEDING THE HOMELESS IN THE WHOLE CITY! It is not funny. Cause I don’t like to waste food and regardless how self-sacrificing I become by eating the leftovers from my kids and from his overzealous cooking, I still need to control my calories.

Even after I finish this meal, I have 3 CONTAINERS of BIHUN in the fridge which are leftovers from yesterdays BREAKFAST! God knows what he was thinking when he decided to cook ONE BIG PACKET OF BIHUN !!! Perhaps he was thinking it’ll be a good idea to eat it for lunch AND DINNER but turns out he only had it for lunch. His food portion estimates are soooooooo off. So inaccurate. And yet, for today HE ENTHUSIASTICALLY FRIED CEKODOK IN THE PORTION OF HALF PACKET OF 1 KG FLOUR. CAN YOU SENSE MY AGITATION HERE? Thankfully, that cekodok dah habis or I would have thrown it to the monkeys at the nearby graveyard.

So yes, I am seriously considering getting my hands into composting leftover food. At least, it will make me feel better knowing that the food will not go to waste and recycled into some sort of nourishing source for the soil and plants.

I saw a friend on Facebook posting on the Bokashi ? method. Then, there are other companies also promoting their form of composting for domestic wastes. Prices were steep compared to the type of compost in they sell on Shopee. I am confused. I need to read more about composting my food safely and use the ‘ends’ of it for my mini garden.

Do you have any experience of doing your own compost? Share with me your experience in the comments.