Take a picture of the sky every time you miss her

It’s a trending reel on Instagram. I had thought of jumping into that healing method as well but never got around to doing so. The ‘miss her’ part is often substituted by heaves of silent sighs. Macam ada feeling tak complete although when I try to remember back, I don’t really talk to my mom that often when she was alive. I was just never the talking about my life type. Even then, Alhamdulillah, Allah bestowed upon me a daughter.

She is a charm. She seems to have a high degree of emotional intelligence for a child that surprises me sometimes. She would ask me if I was Ok. If I was happy? I mean, what kind of child asks an adult those sorts of questions. I know my son doesn’t and he is in primary school. My kids are my world. My daughter especially. If anything happens to her, I think I would hit rock bottom.

Today, I finally got around to cleaning the guest room. We haven’t been receiving guests for a very long time since Covid19 struck. The room had that abandoned, musty smell. I opened the windows to air it out. Hoovered the floor and changed the bedsheets. Then, I saw something on the dresser and was automatically brought to tears.

It was my mom’s crystal bracelet.

It’s been in that room for god knows how long and if I didn’t clean it, I’d probably not know that it was there all this time. A piece of her. To keep. I had to take a moment to calm myself down when I found the bracelet. I thought I’ve passed the time where one would be missing their loved ones deeply but it seems that I haven’t. Instead, I realized that I have always missed her and those feelings are suppressed by the stress at work and the busyness in managing the household.

Grief is love with nowhere to go

I asked my sister if it was OK for me to keep the bracelet. In case she loved the design. She said I could keep it. I couldn’t really explain that feeling of comfort I have when I wear the bracelet. At least bila tak dapat ziarah kubur, I have this bracelet sebagai pengubat rindu.

Siti Sarah Raissuddin

Al-Fatihah

Siti Sarah meninggal dunia | Astro Awani

She is a Malaysian celebrity. One of the best vocalists in the country. I like to believe that Siti Sarah Raissuddin has achieved husnul khatimah. A good ending to her life. A syahidah. Amidst the news of her death however, crackheads are passing off unpleasant comments like ‘she died because she was put to sleep by the doctors’.

I wonder if these people have ever sat beside a dying person – it’s painful to watch. What more for the dying person.

If I could have my way, I would want my mother to be put to sleep during her last hours. Sedate her, give her more morphine. Anything! However, sedation and assisted ventilation was not an option for her because her prognosis was guarded. Administering a drug, especially with anti-conscious properties, without proper indication may be misconstrued as euthanasia. Hence, us siblings could only watch helplessly as mom’s breathing becomes more laboured, gasping for air. I could only hope that her hypoxic state would further reduce her consciousness, so she would not be aware of how tired and painful she is. And that whatever’s left of her is on autopilot mode, where the body (without the mind) is just doing what it can to stay alive.

The pain is such that she was on her lateral side most of the time as she tried her best to breath, until it came to a point when she was ‘ready’. Just like that, she turned into a supine position, took a few deep, long gasps of air and heaved her last one. As sad as I was at the time, I was relieved that the pain was over for her. She can now rest in peace.

A friend sent me this article to help me in my grief. Perhaps it could help you too.