Adulting

The more people you meet

The more stories you hear

The more books you read

The more drama you see

The more you understand WHY some people make decisions you thought were horrendous, ridiculous, selfish and completely absurd in the first place. The motives behind a murder, an organized crime, an obsession, an affair and other seemingly anti-social behaviour. Human behaviour is very complex. Never a clear black and white. Always a grey area.

You learn more about yourself and the values that you hold on to. You will begin to seek those who think on the same wavelength. You begin to distance yourself from people who don’t make you happy anymore and indulge in the pleasures lounging in your own mind. The world in the mind is better. Closing the eyes is better. Being numb is better. Maybe that is how neuroses start. Leading to psychosis. To hallucinations. To being bonkers and if uncontrolled … escalating to a person becoming a sinner.

The trigger to that sunken yet manic feeling can happen anytime. To anyone. I witnessed that ‘snap’ moment of insanity once before, at 17 years old. In my mother. My late mother. I would have thought that if problems were to happen in a marriage, it would be done by the decade and any marriage that supersedes that time frame is true love. I was wrong. Melinda and Bill Gates could testify to that. It seems that marriage could still be on the rocks and in ruins after 10 years. Bercerai di usia senja, I was told.

People do fall out of love.

What happened at 17 years old?

Mom packed her things in a suitcase, rode out in her car and was ready to leave the family. A lot of angry conversations took place between her and dad at the time via telephone. I was the middle person. Not the negotiator but the person who received the angry statements from both ends. Mom came back after a few hours though and said she just wanted to give dad a scare. Back then, I thought she was selfish to do what she did but now, I really really understand why. If I had known better back then, I would have told her to

just go. be happy. we, your kids will still love you. keep in touch wherever you are and whoever you’re with mom. just go and be happy.