Take a picture of the sky every time you miss her

It’s a trending reel on Instagram. I had thought of jumping into that healing method as well but never got around to doing so. The ‘miss her’ part is often substituted by heaves of silent sighs. Macam ada feeling tak complete although when I try to remember back, I don’t really talk to my mom that often when she was alive. I was just never the talking about my life type. Even then, Alhamdulillah, Allah bestowed upon me a daughter.

She is a charm. She seems to have a high degree of emotional intelligence for a child that surprises me sometimes. She would ask me if I was Ok. If I was happy? I mean, what kind of child asks an adult those sorts of questions. I know my son doesn’t and he is in primary school. My kids are my world. My daughter especially. If anything happens to her, I think I would hit rock bottom.

Today, I finally got around to cleaning the guest room. We haven’t been receiving guests for a very long time since Covid19 struck. The room had that abandoned, musty smell. I opened the windows to air it out. Hoovered the floor and changed the bedsheets. Then, I saw something on the dresser and was automatically brought to tears.

It was my mom’s crystal bracelet.

It’s been in that room for god knows how long and if I didn’t clean it, I’d probably not know that it was there all this time. A piece of her. To keep. I had to take a moment to calm myself down when I found the bracelet. I thought I’ve passed the time where one would be missing their loved ones deeply but it seems that I haven’t. Instead, I realized that I have always missed her and those feelings are suppressed by the stress at work and the busyness in managing the household.

Grief is love with nowhere to go

I asked my sister if it was OK for me to keep the bracelet. In case she loved the design. She said I could keep it. I couldn’t really explain that feeling of comfort I have when I wear the bracelet. At least bila tak dapat ziarah kubur, I have this bracelet sebagai pengubat rindu.

Being fans and stans – drawing the line

A.R.M.Y went wild when BTS members created their individual official accounts on Instagram. I was equally elated. Management was saying that it was an avenue for them to express their individual artistic elements and personality. Which is great!

Naturally, when you have more than 10M fans around the world, there will be toxic ones lurking around on these social media platforms. Trying to justify their digital presence and footprints as proof of fandom support. Some of my least favourite fans or fans include the;

Fanstagram creators

I am ok with fanstagram. These accounts tend to compile photos or clips from various resources and upload them on their feed. They tend to have names that resemble the artists themselves which are Ok, cool, it’s fine. To have fan account names like treatyoongiwithkindness or iamlikesugainreallife is to me, still OK. As it is glaringly a fan account. Recently though, I have discovered new accounts that take stanning too far. Out of respect, these accounts should not have the same profile picture as the original account. They also shouldn’t have account names that are similar to the original artists – where they are making changes only in a single alphabet or adding a few symbols on the handle. That is just rude digital mannerism.

The extreme OT7 supporters

OT7 without a doubt! But you shouldn’t go as far as criticising A.R.M.Y who may prefer to follow a few members on IG simply because they are keener to know the artistic progress of that particular member. As for myself, I am keen to know what RM and Suga are up to cause I love their work and persona more! does this mean I hate the others? Of course not. It’s just a personal choice I make so that on top of BTS, I could also see other people’s feeds that I follow on IG! It doesn’t help to make a post and compare the followers for each member. OT7 after all, have achieved more than 10M followers on their account- even if they’ve only posted one picture on their IG.

Media manipulators

Especially the photoshop experts. I totally get that we like to root for couples in the industry or wish for a couple to exist. It gets a little bit too far when you start editing images of stars that looks too intimate with each other. It’s just, inappropriate. I was stunned when I saw an edit of Jung Kook (BTS) and Rose (BP) on one particular IG account. It weirded me out. I wonder how these artists would feel if they stumble upon the images.

Digital mannerism, content plagiarism are things we learn as we go. It is difficult enough to abide to the rules in the academic world. What more within the realm of entertainment. Artists and fans needs to foster a symbiotic relationship to make it work for both parties. The artist in earning a living and the fans filling their void to become happy.

Unhealthy MInds

We tend to think that once we come across someone who has mental health issues, it would be manageable. We would be one of the few who knows how to go about it because we have read about it online and asked for expert advice. We would be empathetic and non-judgemental. We would be supportive of that person. This is mostly true but here’s a secret. That is only possible if the person in question is properly diagnosed by the doctors. Otherwise, trust me, it is quite a challenge.

I have had the opportunity to witness two professional colleagues suffering from the same medical diagnosis. Each of them of course, presented with different symptoms. One sought medical help and is under treatment whereas the other, well, we’re still in the dark of whether there was a diagnosis in the first place or if treatment is ongoing or defaulted. Each of them managed their mental health issues differently and it is the latter colleague that got me questioning things about life.

The Brain

Putting it simply, mental health issues stem from a problem within the brain. It could result from a structural defect, a transmission glitch or a hormonal imbalance. It disrupts the function of the brain thus its manifestations externally. Since the brain is the command centre of our body, it would be very difficult to control it if it goes haywire. why am I saying this? Because the contrast in behaviour is so drastic whenever the sick part of the person takes over. With reference to a person with bipolar here.

On good days, this colleague is a team player. A friendly and great employee. However, on really bad days – this colleague ignores everything. Work, courtesy phone calls, even when the big bosses call. Interestingly, this colleague seems to have ‘no insight’ that when you go M.I.A, it puts the burden of tasks and responsibility to another person on an ad-hoc basis. I couldn’t find a better word to ‘no insight’ but what I am trying to say is that when these people reach their weakest point – they are stuck in that hole and no amount of high office power could summon them out from the darkness. Unless they are on therapy and have learned ways to cope with the early signs of the condition. Otherwise, one would have to just wait for the phase to dissolve.

It would be easier for other people around this person to work around the problems, if they had known about the mental health issue. It’s like we could together anticipate when the next phase will be and that contingency plans can be implemented if the colleague goes M.I.a again. Otherwise, it would be perceived as just another worker being lackadaisical and irresponsible.

It did however made me realize one thing – that we are replaceable at work. No matter how important we are at work. If one day you end up in an accident and land in ICU, there will always be someone who is able to cover up for you.

Bultaoreune 불타오르네

I am enjoying virtual popcorn at the moment as I watch the drama unfold in the vaccine WhatsApp group. There seems to be a disagreement in terms of how the booster doses should be implemented swiftly in preparation for the upcoming state election. Currently, the plan is to conduct it like a drive-through with all Klinik Kesihatan contributing manpower for the purpose.

All is well until a decision came up abruptly of wanting to open the centre on the weekends. Mind you, the existing workforce at all KK’s are already stretched to the maximum as centralized Covid Assessment Centres (CAC) and Rapid Response Team (RRT) are still ongoing on top of running routine clinical services at their respective clinics. The workforce will be further burdened by the provision of teams during state elections due to commence on the 20th. The way I see it, medical front liners are already fed up with all the ad-hoc instructions and what felt like an unnecessary burden of work to the current ones they have.

It came to a point where a young medical officer pointed out the occupational hazards linked to the drive-through operations at the airport if the weekend plan was allowed to continue. It was a valid concern on top of highlighting the strenuous shift systems some medical personnel had to go through. After all, with the current opening of 5 days a week, not everybody is taking the booster. We are not achieving much on the weekdays, so there is a concern of why we need to open on the weekends. I thought it was a tad courageous for this young man to stand up to an experienced doctor.

Hence, the title of my blog post today – FIRE 불타오르네

A successful organization needs to have 불타오르네. But not just any 불타오르네. We want a bonfire, a campfire and a candle. In my clinical facility, I would describe bonfires as the young, junior doctors. Full spirited and passionate about their duties. Eager to learn everything. Motivated to help everybody at all costs. Ready to fight, ready to sacrifice. Ready to make a scene for the sake of their patients and themselves.

Candles are the seasoned, experienced doctors who would say, they have seen it all. They are stable emotionally. They keep on burning but not with rage. They are cool-headed that some may mistake as being lackadaisical or simply not motivated. But they are there to keep the fire burning and light up other fires as needed. However, if the wick becomes shorter and is not replaced with a new one, the spirit of Hippocrates may just die off without a trace.

I would describe myself as a campfire. In other words, I have learned how big my fire should be depending on the purpose. If my purpose is to cook a meal, it should be bigger. If my purpose is to keep the campsite lit and protect the campers from wild beast – it shouldn’t be that fiery. It is about knowing where to channel your effort properly. This is because, with time, I discover that not all patients want your help. They just need that vote of confidence to proceed with their health decisions which may not be aligned with yours. Especially in cases of end of life care. It’s knowing which battles to fight, and which to just let it be.

Perhaps I forgot to mention one more fire. It’s not a good fire but somehow it’ll find a way to exist.


Look it up.