Superpower of Du’a

We can only do so much when it comes to dealing with human behaviour. It ain’t easy changing Obstinance to being Obedient or Compliant. It can be crippling to ones self-esteem or motivation when good intentions to help someone is misconstrued or simply ignored.

Which is precisely whats happening between me and one of my brothers. It is very hard to find a balance between being supportive but also careful not to ruffle any feathers. Men can be so sensitive. hahaha.

Because of this minor conflict, I begin to think about other people whose problems could be worse than mine. What if they’ve exhausted every single effort, grit and sweat to initiate a change greatly needed for the benefit of all? What else can they do?

many nights we pray, with no proof anyone could hear, in our hearts a hopeful song, we barely understood, now we are not afraid.. although we know there’s much to fear, we were moving mountains long, before we know we could..

There can be miracles when you believe

 

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hope for a miracle

…through prayers. through du’a.

I once went to a Quran TAgging workshop by AyeshaShahira and in our goodie file, we were each given this small , cute book that has Allah’s 99 names. I had thought to myself, ‘i know asmaul husna, why would they need to make a notebook out it’. 

Ayesha somehow made us understand more about the names of Allah. About curating our du’a. To be in Allah’s good books.

We should strive to learn all 99 names of ALLAH. InsyaAllah, it will please Him and make our wishes underneath the great big sky sound so so beautiful. Indeed, ask from Allah for help, to help you help others. In my case, it would be me asking from Allah to give guidance to my brother in the best way possible so he could become a better person. Maybe give him a life changing dream or something to get him a head start in life. Allah knows best, for He shapes our Qadak dan Qadar. .

Finally, I’m not sure if you realize it or not, but for a muslim to make du’a for someone else’s well being is one of the most rewarding thing you could do for yourself too.

“…the dua of a muslim for his brother (in Islam) in his absence is readily accepted, and an angel is appointed to his side, whenever he makes a beneficial dua for his brother the appointed angel says “Ameen and may you also be blessed with the same”

[Muslim]

Are you tired? Try the spiritual solution – Tasbih Fatimiyyah

I am currently experiencing another burnout.

We are at this season where we are seeing up to 200+ patients a day. Despite trying to space out appointments – it is always full at this time of the year. The burden is shared between at least 6 medical docs in a day but sometimes we have to make do with 4. And that could be exhausting with all the talking and thinking. There is just no time to take a sip of that water or go to the loo.

Then there is family to think about. My unfolded laundry is so piled up I could actually make 2 forts out of it. I have not been cooking as much too. I rarely watch TV. But I always make time for my HoboMinci, doTERRA and blog. Well, I try. Because these are outlets I need to go to after a stressful day.

Sometimes I get cross when I feel that my husband is not pulling his weight in the household – only to realize that he too is doing what he can for the family on top of completing his phD. The fact that he preps breakfast for the kids and shower them in the morning is a blessing already. I should be grateful. Alhamdulilah. Coz the only thing I do in the morning is take care of myself anyway. And he never demands for homecooked  dinner.

It is at times like this that I feel I want to quit. Or I hate my job sorta thing. But I know I have to keep going and move on. So – take that pit stop, repair what you need and get on your way. Coincidentally, I came across a short clip by Aida Azlin recently which struck a chord in my heart. She talks about tasbih fatimiyyah and I guess that is how we wage war against tiredness etc. We nurture the power of the mind with zikr & doa.

Tasbih fatimiyyah:

subhanallah x33

alhamdulillah x33

allahuakbar x34

with 100% conviction from our heart

Zikir to me are not just words. But it’s a form of worship where we could take as a conversation and speak to Allah about our problems and ask that He helps solve it. InsyaAllah. 

With Zikr and doa, I pray that Allah bestowed upon me this path of turmoil and challenges because He thinks I am worthy of it. And that something good will come out of it. Mana tau dalam penat, takde selera makan kita jadi kurus. Ha ha ha ha.

Danials Graduation Day. A Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham day.

Today was a day of Cerekarama crossing with Hindustan. In short, lotsa drama happened with regards to my younger brother’s graduation ceremony. Without divulging TMI, lets just say it started when nobody in our family knew that he was to receive his scroll today.

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Danial did not inform anybody. He did not tell a single soul. And he is not even a social media sort of person. He enjoys Youtube, PS4 and video games. And those graphic stuff he does on his computer. But that was it. So of course, when he suddenly told my mum to get ready for his graduation  – MOther freaked out. Dad got emotionally charged and well… this is where the TMI would come in. I’d have to keep mum. lOl.

Its like ,

HOW COULD YOU KEEP SUCH IMPORTANT INFORMATION LIKE YOUR GRADUATION, ALL TO YOURSELF? SHOULD IT NOT BE EXCITING??

Man.. he could be a priest. People could confess a great sin and he’d probably bring it to his own grave. He could be of value to PDRM’s special branch even. All of us honestly had no idea that he kept such GREAT NEWS and he gave away no clue whatsoever!!

So he definitely deserved a page in my HoboMinci.

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As I was journaling, I was distracted to another topic in my head. Obviously Danial’s actions invited reactions and opinions from some people. Some comments were interesting, some were just damn harsh. yalah.. macam kau sorang je kan ada parenting method yang berjaya. 

I couldn’t help thinking when was the last time I spoke badly of my parents in law or my siblings in law. Or my husbands first degree relatives for example. And that was when I realized that NO, I have never done such thing. Rasanya tak pernah lagi I tell my husband in the face that I hate his relative or family. Or I think they should do better in certain things. Or what they are doing is not welcomed nor appreciated. Belum lagi part nak layan egoentricity and superiority complex masing2. So it’s either hadam or walk away.

Cause you never know if your words would hurt these souls. Kita bukannya nak jumpa hari ni je. For all you know, we are stuck for life or will bump into each other in the future where your circumstances may be less fortunate than how you were. Masa tu, the only thing left to do is for you to eat your words.

While I allow opinions and constructive criticism towards my flesh and blood, there is this very FINE LINE that you don’t cross especially when it starts to become disrespectful and is just mere dissing. Which fine line you may ask?

Tengok, susah kan nak decide fine line tu kat mana? So mulut jangan macam longkang masa nak komen.

Gallant husband

Suami adalah pelindung. Walau dalam ketiadaan kita, dia melindungi kita.

Hanis Zalikha, a local Malaysian celebrity,  narrated a story on her IG of how when she had hyperemesis gravidarum – she had to relieve herself at the restaurants public toilet. Little did she know that her retching was somehow audible to some patrons at the eatery. As she returned to her table, she was met by the unpleasant stares of the staff there. She was puzzled and wondered what happened.

Later the husband divulged that a customer complained regarding the restaurants service and made a scene regarding Hanis’s involuntary vomiting to the cashier. The husband then went to the man, confronted him nicely (meaning no raised voices, harsh words or a fist) and explained the wife’s pregnant situation. He even added an apology for the discomfort it caused to the customer.

Now, if this was my version of the story, I am not quite sure if my husband would rise to the occasion and make a similar counter-attack. Perhaps I am underestimating his romanticism and chivalry, but the aftermath of an imaginary me suffering from morning sickness would probably be met by him just ignoring that man because he was just not worth his time. Furthermore, the man was already at the counter wanting to pay and do not know who the puking lady in the bathroom is.

It is just the way he is. huhu.

Patience my heart

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I am trying very hard to console myself right now. And not to regret the choices I made for 2018. But it is soooo hard my friends. I have been crying alone in my study area for the past 3 nights or so. My husband and kids are usually asleep by then. I feel 2018 is very overwhelming and yet I am expected to be calm and on top of my game. All the time.

Recently, I have to be patient with a lot of people. My husband who is gradually acquiring his Set of Attitude as a Specialist. My parents who are just, I don’t know, hmph. My brother who do not want to be helped. My work demands and related things I still struggle to understand. To them, it’s just another day. Another conversation. But to me, at the other end, I had to play along. Reserve my opinions. Suppress my anger and frustration. Because an honest comment is not everyone of them needs right now. My way of thinking and working stuff out is not the way ‘successful people’ do things. I have to buat pekak to certain condescending words as well. In the end, I yang makan hati. I yang mengalir air mata. Without them knowing it.

And it doesn’t get any better when today, I missed my son’s special occasion to receive 1st prize in his year. He came out top and I was not there to see him on stage. Because I was at work. I just hope he understands that Mummy did not have a choice. That I will try better for his next big day. I will plan my leave better.

I try to be composed and collected as a wife and mother. As a female medical doctor. As a daughter. I have been trying to shut down negative thoughts. Satan’s evil whispers. Urging me to run and leave. Not so much as jumping a bridge or killing myself. But to run. Leave the state. Like park my car at a far place, hitch a ride and just go missing. Or use my passport to cross the border ,go missing and resume a new identity. Or as simple as not arriving to work one day, only to be realized by people who care that I’m missing 8 hours later. If ada orang kisahlah. 

2018 was meant to be a year of change for the better. At the moment, I still feel that there’s a lot to manage. I find I cry more this year hence I searched for Allah more this year. Asking for His Mercy, His Benevolence and His Rahmat.  I have a problem in trusting people hence it is difficult to confide in someone. And it hurts a lot when you thought your husband, your supposed best friend and confidante has belief’s not consistent with yours.

Then aku nak cakap2, cerita masalah aku kat sapa? Babi?

 

Anyway, this is just a phase. Don’t take it seriously.

Perhaps this is PMS. A horrible PMS. Or a brain tumour affecting my emotions. InsyaAllah, I will feel and force myself to feel better in the next 24 hours. Patience my heart. Sabr.