Part 3 : Lessons from Mom
When we lose someone we love, mesti akan ada soalan ‘did you have any regrets, what would you have done differently’. naturally, akan ada nyer that moments of regret.
Mine is in not encouraging her to fully pursue her happiness.
Mothers, universally, the ones who love their children, can put up with a lot of shit just so their children could be happy and have more than what they did before. And all this at the expense of their own happiness. sometimes bila kita tgk mak2 yang dah berumur, kita lupa that within that soul, there is still that young soul which yearns for life happiness, that is probably still thinking about her own dreams and ambition. cuma that desire mungkin dah di channel ke tengok citer hindustan, main2 dengan cucu, masuk kelas mengaji dsb.
looking back, my mom came to semenanjung because she followed my dad atas urusan kerja. She left her family, her best friends all in Sarawak. Her entire support system was in Sarawak. The only familiar person she knew was the husband and her beloved, naughty children. Thankfully, due to her extrovert nature, she was quick to make new friends and make a decent life out of the very little resources that we have. There were difficulties that she faced as an adult which we kids, could only come to understand as we became adults too.
I believe that if she pursued what she wanted to in the first place, she could be happier.
Maybe lepas ni kita boleh tanya mak kita, pada yang masih ada mak, nak buat apa lagi? kot2 mak kita nak gi bungee jumping ke, melancong, sambung belajar…
ee, haneem.. mummy nak gi konsert bts. gitu.
a few months ago, I attended this virtual psychology conference and one of the highlights of the conference was how our normal grieving process is deeply affected by the pandemic. Selalunya lepas kematian, kita akan berkumpul dengan sanak saudara, ada funeral wake, ada kenduri tahlil, ada counseling kat klinik ke apa for traumatic events.. but because of pkp ke apa.. this process terbantut. Therefore, it may take longer for some poeple to let go. Holding on to grief for too long may have adverse effects on to how an individual functions in their daily lives. Grief is not death per se. It could be the end of relationships, the loss of an income and so on.. There are numerous advice from people or the internet on how one could go about it – explore, read and try what may work for you. Call up or watsapp a trusted friend(s). Call up a psychosocial service. do not suffer alone. For myself,
- it helps to be surrounded by family. Hikmah diberi cuti 3 hari untuk kematian ahli keluarga terdekat. untuk rehat, tidur, bertenang dan atur semula kehidupan. plus I have a daughter that keeps asking what are we having for our meal today. Thank Allah for the husband who will GRAB/PANDA FOOD. I also have a siblings whatsapp group called powerpuff. love them muchos like nachos.
- engage in activities that gives you assurance that mummy will benefit from it too. In the context of my religion, that would be to do solat sunat and read the quran. Sedekahkan pahala, they say.
- engage in activities that makes you relax. Mine is writing, (FB/blog/assignment), listening to music and sleep. Again, I should plant a tree.
- I feel that if I rewire my thoughts that MOM is milik Allah yang kekal and that she was loaned to us for a while, ( to love us and teach us to find our way) and that HE will take her back, only to be reunited later in heaven, it makes me feel better. I don’t feel robbed. Plus, I have faith that Islam is easy and kind. There is always a way for me to feel connected to my mom. No need for ouija board or anything.
Penghujung yang dicemburui
We don’t get to choose how and when we die. We could only hope for a good ending. With mummy, I think it was an ending that we all needed. One with a good closure. There was time for goodbyes, for prayers, for advice. There was time to grasp an understanding of her medical condition and the gravity of the matter. When you have that understanding, it makes the goodbyes easier. Because you would as a family member, feel that letting her return to The Creator peacefully, is the best thing for her.