Maybe for good.
Let me just spin this song I like to listen to whenever I feel melancholic and not appreciated. hah gitew.. syahdu right..
I have mixed feelings about this. I remember this particular whirlwind emotion. It has an emoji of its own. The Minci Emoji. It’s the exact feeling I had many years ago when I was also faced with a difficult, life changing decision. It’s a mix between ‘arghhh tak suka tak suka tapi terpaksa’ with ‘i can do this’ with ‘i am going to be sad forever and ever but still smiling’ with ‘come on Minci, they can throw you to the wolves and you’ll come back leading the pack’. Get it?
Back then, I chose whats RIGHT over how I FELT. Kononnya BRAIN over HATI DAN PERASAAN.
I chose a situation that could lead me to JALAN YANG LURUS instead of FUN and COMFORTABLE.
Indeed, that decision paid off. It was the RIGHTFUL decision I made. Do I still think about it? Of what would have happen if I chose to walk the other road? Of course I did – who wouldn’t if it was accompanied with a bucket of tears. Just like the one I’m experiencing at the moment. Another RIGHTFUL decision.
But it is the BEST decision for now. It’s like what Oprah said
YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL. JUST NOT ALL AT ONCE
I loved what I was doing – I think it was the adrenaline rush. And of course the type of people I met along the way. If you love the nature of your job, you don’t really give a damn about the birocracy that happened within the institution you know. You just concentrate on making your sick patients well again. And you do it in a team with My Person [read : Greys Anatomy ]
BUT – it was a job that did not get me anywhere when it comes to progressing in your career. I did not make through the screening process for the Masters Programme – TWICE. Yes, I had additional responsibilities seen fit for my pay grade but it was just that. I was still going to be just a medical officer. but more senior, so called more experienced .. yet I still have to commute 27km daily to and fro, do oncalls and night shifts. Which can be taxing and dangerous sometimes when I have to go home from a shift at 12 midnight passing through the dark areas. At the end of the day, I am the Medical Officer that could be quoted upon . Like you know how some people like to say, ” Kak Minci yang ajar buat camni” when they’re caught doing something wrong. HAHAHA.
Since this particular situation was seen through the perspective of people who mattered to me most (family), the argument is.. you can still serve the ill as a medical officer in a clinic setting. It’ll be InsyaAllah closer to home, office hours – well there might be programmes on the weekend but at least my nights are free. So I could tuck the kids to bed and check their homework and rise early the next morning to prepare their Bento. Kids tend to remember the times when you were not there for them at times when they need you most. Regardless of how many mornings you’re home to make Dorayaki for breakfast.
So yup – It was great to meet you Anaesthesia and Emergency Medicine. I hope to bump into you one day. but errr.. not as a patient though. I wish for a better beginning – my friends are convincing me that I would have a better quality of life. Thanks ladies. Then maybe I could arrange Me Time better – the spa, the journaling sessions, more blogging stuff. YEAY.
I did realize ONE GLARING thing though. That when it comes to WORK or as a work colleague – you are replaceable. Petik jari, somebody is already in line to be trained as good as you. And after a few sad emoji’s, goodluck wishes and such on Whatsapp and friendly exchanges of ‘why the transfer’ and what not – in just an instance Minci is already a distant memory. New BFF circles are formed. It is normal. Take home note – do not love your job excessively. It does not love you back just as much.